THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:""Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what ""food"" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what ""honest"" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what ""shortage"" meant. In China they didn't know what ""opinion"" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what ""solution"" meant. In South America they didn't know what ""please"" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what ""the rest of the world"" meant."

[SecondOpinion]

Dandy Lyon 6:19 Mon Feb 8 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Briano Finally someone posted a funny joke. ========== MYSOGINIST =========

[Dandy Lyon]

"Kenzo, I doubt you'd be so stupid to post that on here having stolen it directly from well known West Ham fans account on Twitter and try and pass it off as you're own But whoever sent it to you did. You need to call them on it and at least ask them that if they're going to steal jokes in future, try and steal the funny ones"

[Dandy Lyon]

Briano Finally someone posted a funny joke.

[Mr Kenzo]

"Mike Dean has had 2 of his Red Cards overturned in 4 days, even with VAR. If most people make 2 big mistakes at work they get fired. I got caught wanking twice and i got sacked. Yet Mike Dean will be a PL referee and i'm not allowed to work at another primary school."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Mike Dean - sorry - what a d***

[Aalborg Hammer]

Mike Read - he's almost as funny as the original comedian

[Manip]

VAR.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text: ""You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"" To which I replied: ""8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."""

[Willtell]

Excellent!

[Briano]

"I got an ""òout of the blue'call today from a lovely ex girlfriend, I was surprised but ended up chatting for ages about our younger days, romance and the wild times we shared. I couldn't believe it when she suggested meeting up and rekindling some of that ""òold' magic I have to admit I was tempted but told her I probably wouldn't keep pace with her nowadays..I'm older, greyer, have a thinning hairline plus I don't have the energy I used to have. She just giggled in a cute way and said ""òI'm sure you can rise to the challenge' Ok why not' I said, as long as you can put up with a waistline that's a few inches wider, lack of muscle tone, teeth are a bit yellowed and I'm developing Jowls like a Great Dane. Again she reassured me laughing and told me not to be silly She teased me saying grey haired older men were cute and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway she giggled ""ò I've put on a few pounds myself' So I told her to Fuck off"

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.She may be right, but I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one..."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I walked in on my deaf brother masturbating furiously to Babestation. Good on him, when you can lip read like him who needs to pay £1.50 per minute."

[Willtell]

Tottenham signed Mourinho to win the PL...

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"A bloke I work with told me he was going to end his life by pouring a gallon of petrol over himself and putting a match to it. I told him, ""Ahmed, it's at times like this you need your family around you."""

[The Stoat]

ted ;-)

[ted fenton]

"Grealish apparently made a official complaint to the referee after the game, regarding Coufal and social distancing he winged that there was never 2 metres between them the whole game :-)"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A rich bloke from Barnsley goes to the jewellers ""can tha mek us a gold statue o mi dog?"" Jeweller asks ""duz tha want it 18 carat?"" ""no chewin a bone yer daft twat"""

[The Stoat]

BKnowles21 2:07 Wed Feb 3 Don't look like he has any spare time going by hislatest diary entry ;-) Criticize Wank Criticize Wank Criticize Wank Criticize Wank Criticize Wank Criticize Wank

[BKnowles21]

Dandy Lyon 10:48 Mon Feb 1 You seriously need to find something better to do with your time.

[riosleftsock]

"Do you remember when people scoffed at the mere idea of Mel Gibson successfully portraying a scotsman? Well they're not laughing at the racist alcoholic now, are they?"

[ted fenton]

"A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'"

[Nurse Ratched]

*chuckles*

[Hermit Road]

I had it down as Rachmaninoff

[Nurse Ratched]

"""I'll be Bach""?"