THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This fella lives in Watford and he's never had a relationship with a woman because of his extraordinarily smelly feet.He gets through charcoal sole inserts and new socks every couple of days. In desperation, he goes online to find love and meets a lovely looking lady who lives in Brighton. She's never had a boyfriend because of her very very bad halitosis. She gets through breath fresheners and extra strong mints like wildfire. After 6 months of emails, messaging and breathless phone calls, he decides to bite the bullet and propose.She accepts gratefully but then realises the awful truth that she'll have to own up,at last.He knows that a quick getaway after the nuptials will be necessary so he books the chapel at Gatwick followed by a honeymoon in Spain.He gets on the Gatwick Express and is wearing charcoal inlaid socks,Dr.Scoll's extra robust Odour Eaters and a good coating of foot deodorant.He has a brand new pair of Dr.Martins laced up to his knees.She's on the train at Brighton station & equally prepared for the trip.Victorys V's,Gold spot mouth freshener,Trebor Extra strong mints ,Fisherman's friends,you name it.The ceremony goes off very well and they're on the plane before they know it. On final approach ,her keen sense of smell is starting to detect that she'll need to restock very soon and he's realising that he'll have to go shopping as soon as. At the hotel,they both make their excuses and go in search of a chemist.She has no luck at all and knows she has to own up...she sits on the bed waiting for her new husband to return.He comes in the door also after a fruitless journey to find her sobbing.He says ""What's the matter,darling??"" She cries ""I've >sob< got something to tell you>snivel"

[ted fenton]

"Seeing That Cheltenham Is Nearly Upon Us !! üòâ A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.' 'No, love,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15 this afternoon.'"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. How do you think the unthinkable? A. With an itheberg.

[147man]

"Slow I'm not sure, I used to fancy her but not any more I guess you could say I'm an Ex Tractor Fan"

[Slow_Joe]

"Can't believe I'm posting this on WHO but I need some advice. I really fancy this girl who works at my local farm, how can I a tractor?"

[mtchammer]

Whoa Black Betty Anagram Boat belt wacky Anagram Black Betty had a child Anagram Hatchback badly tiled Anagram

[the_bigot]

I was about to post a covid joke - but then realized that 99.1% of you would not get it!

[daveyg]

A friend of mine drowned. We got him a wreath in the shape of a life belt. It's what he would have wanted

[Nurse Ratched]

"CHL Bloody excellent, that üòÅ"

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"A cardinal, a priest and a rabbit go to give blood. The rabbit is first up... the nurse says ""What blood type are you, then?"" The rabbit says, ""I reckon I'm a typeO..."""

[Jasnik]

147man 10:53 Sat Feb 20 slaps head ! .

[Aalborg Hammer]

I made a ventriloquist's dummy out of an old bit of carpet. It was ruggish.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, ""In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative."" But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, ""Yeah, right"

[147man]

Jasnik=Psychopath

[Jasnik]

I don't get it

[Aalborg Hammer]

"There's two bits of tarmac in a pub arguing over who's the toughest...""I'm a piece of the M25!!"" says one ""I have 30 million cars,25 million lorries and 15 million coaches go over me every year...I'm fucking hard,me"" The other piece ,in a West Midlands drawl says ""That's nothin',I'm a piece of the Spaghetti junction!! I have 35 million cars,30 million lorries and 20 million coaches go over me every year!!"" Just then,a piece of orange tarmac walks in.He goes up to the bar and orders a pint.The two bits of tarmac go very quiet. Once the bar's clear,the barman says ""You two were very quiet when he came in!!"" ""I know-he's a fucking cyclepath"""

[jack flash]

"The old bill go to a house in Liverpool believing the covid rules are being broken They check and find that the occupants are perfectly legitimately in a bubble So while they're there the fetch in the sniffer dogs after they decide to search the house for drugs They find nothing So they then decide to search the house again for weapons But again, they find nothing So they check for stolen goods, but the occupants have all the receipts So they decide to see if their car is stolen But it isn't They check to see if it's insured It is Taxed? Yes MOTd? Yes So they say 'Well that's it, we're going to charge you with wasting police time!'"

[Forest Gate Ugly]

Aalborg Hammer. Top quality as always. The spirit of Tommy Cooper is kept pleasingly alive in you!

[Aalborg Hammer]

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester today. He had a Wigan address.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"""My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop - Speaking slowly I said ""You mean a clothes shop?"" He said ""No,a crows shop.Come in and have a rook"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Just back from a holiday in Thailand. Came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady... ...it was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage the first time of asking that I thought to myself ""Hang on a fucking minute..."""

[wd40]

Can you steal a joke? You must never repeat a joke every joke must be made up by you alone. Jesus.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Stannah stairlifts.. I hate them,they drive me up the wall"

[mallard]

Aalborg Hammer 2:02 Fri Feb 12 Excellent Aalborg ! - you've totally redeemed yourself from the earlier mix-up !

[Exiled In Surrey]

Life is like a game of chess. I don't know how to play chess.