THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[The Stoat]

The other day I spotted an Albino Dalmation Well it was the least I could do for him

[arsene york-hunt]

"Martians land in london on a research probe. They start by watching TV and the adverts are on. They mission commander immediately calls back to mission control and says: "" Our navigation is faulty, we've landed in fucking Africa!"""

[ted fenton]

"I'm just back from Tesco's I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: ""Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy.""ù Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : ""It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.""ù At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : ""William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.""ù Well, i was really impressed, so i went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad ""It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.""ù ""Thanks,""ù said the Granddad. ""But I am William. The little sods name is Kevin ü§£üôà"

[ted fenton]

"If you receive an email or WhatsApp with the Subject ""Ding Dong""ù don't open it, they're Jehovah's Witnesses working from home"

[Coffee]

riosleftsock 9:16 Thu Mar 18 Ha ha!

[claret on my shirt]

How do you get 1000 Ethiopians in a telephone box? Throw in a tin of baked beans! How do get them all out? Run past the phone box with a tin opener

[riosleftsock]

"""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""and another Consonant please"" Pickle playing Polish Countdown"

[The Stoat]

Russia has its first COVID19 victim - Ivor Chestikov.

[joe royal]

"An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.; At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'"

[ted fenton]

"A Secretary got an expensive PEN as birthday gift from her boss. She sent her boss a 'Thank you' note via SMS. The wife read the text and angrily shows her husband the message: ""Your Penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks"" Moral: Space is essential in every successful married life."

[Dandy Lyon]

My god these get worse

[Westside]

"A 50-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of the indecent assault and murder of Stuart Lubbock at the home of Michael Barrymore Mr Lubbock, 31, was found dead in the TV presenter's pool in Roydon, Essex, in March 2001. As a result, the BBC have decided to broadcast, the comedy series they made about the incident. Only Pools and Corpses."

[ted fenton]

"A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.' 'I'm sorry sir, I...........' 'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.' Well it is St.Paddy's day :-)"

[Aalborg Hammer]

what does a dwarf get when he runs between a woman's legs ? A flap across the face 'n a clit around the ear

[The Stoat]

"A group of first year children were having their first lesson. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. ""You need to use 'big people' words,"" she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. ""I went to visit my Nana."" ""No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. ""I took a ride on a choo-choo."" She said, ""No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."" She then asked Bobby what he had done. ""I read a book,"" he replied. ""That's WONDERFUL!"" the teacher said. ""What book did you read?"" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, ""Winnie the Shit."""

[Gaffer58]

Sorry. briano hats an old Billy Conneley joke

[Briano]

"A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?' 'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."""

[joyo]

"If a Muslim man beats up his wife, is it domestic abuse or child abuse?"

[ted fenton]

Harry's Divorce Party https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj01BcXmnDo

[Aalborg Hammer]

I have just been diagnosed with the Peekaboo virus. I have been transferred to ICU

[riosleftsock]

I would like to thank my friend Claude for translating the word 'Beaucoup' into English. It meant a lot to me.

[ted fenton]

"The royal family are said to be in a state of fear over what might be leaked in tonight's Meghan and Oprah interview. Sources within Buckingham Palace told reporters ""The entire family are sweating. Apart from Andrew obviously"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Purchased a deodorant stick today. Instructions say ""remove cap & push up bottom"" I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely."

[WELL HAMMERED AGAIN]

"A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, a Kiwi, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss all went to a nightclub..... The doorman said ""Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Sorry about that my C&P messed up..part 2 below ""And I've got something to tell you""He grabs her and gives her a long lingering French kissAs he pulls away he says ""You've eaten one of my fuckin' socks ,haven't you??"""