THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A space craft landed in St Peter's Square A hatch opened and two little green aliens with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, ""I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"" ""Jesus Christ?!"" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. ""Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Nice bloke"". A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. ""Every two years?"" he shouted. ""We're still waiting for his second coming!"" ""Maybe he didn't like your beer?"" suggested the alien. ""Beer?"" replied the Pope. ""What in heaven's name does beer have to do with it?"" ""Well,"" said the alien. ""When he came to our planet, we bought him a beer. Why, what did you do?"""

[ted fenton]

"Anyone else wonder if the Queen ever props her quilt cover up to her neck whilst in bed and says ""Look I'm a stamp!"" ;-)"

[wd40]

"Think I'm getting old I walked into a record shop and said to the young lady standing behind the counter "" do you have anything by The Doors. She looks at him puzzled and replied "" only a fire extinguisher and the light switch."""

[ted fenton]

"Cardiologist and the Lexus Mechanic. A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his garage. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, ""Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Lexus, ""So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.""ù The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, So how is it that I make ¬£24,000 a year and you make ¬£1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work? The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, ""Try doing it with the engine running!""ù"

[ted fenton]

"Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my true sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more stuff to copy and paste; and if you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate kittens, puppies, and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win...and the zombies will take over."

[wd40]

What has 840 legs and 15 teeth ?? The queue outside of Primark Monday morning . If you wish to complain about this this joke please refure to Primark or the local council estate not me.

[Iron Duke]

Do you know what boils my piss? Hotel kettles

[wd40]

"My lesbian cousin and her girlfriend bought me a Rolex for my birthday. Very generous of them, but it wasn't what l had in mind when they asked what l wanted for my birthday and l answered ""l wanna watch""."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Ted - I never actually watched that beyond the scenes in the ground before. I need new sides. p.s. Kenny Lynch was one of my brother's best mates. Together they were a comedy act without peer - or respect for anyone.

[ted fenton]

Pre-Woke https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzFkLfubDpw

[The Stoat]

"Young buffalo: 'Dad, what does it mean if I like cows and bulls'? 'Means you're Bi, son'"

[The Stoat]

"Three parrots are for sale at a pet shop for £250, £150 and £20. A woman asks ""why is that one so cheap ?"" The shopkeeper replies ""It used to live in a brothel and says some vulgar stuff."" The woman thinks its funny and buy's the parrot. When the woman gets home the parrot says ""blimey, a new brothel,"" and the woman laughs. Next her two teenage daughters come home from work and the parrot says ""blimey new hookers!"" and they all laugh. Finally the woman's husband arrives home and the parrot says , ""Blimey Ted I haven't seen you for weeks !"""

[The Stoat]

"Marriage guidance counsellor; ""What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?""ù Husband; ""In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.""ù Wife; ""Seven weeks.""ù"

[The Stoat]

"A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. ""Nurse,""' he mumbles from behind the mask, ""are my testicles black?"" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ""I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."" He struggles to ask again, ""Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, ""There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."" The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, ""Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"""

[ted fenton]

Hahaha These should make Dandy Lyon smile :-)

[The Stoat]

ted fenton 9:11 Mon Apr 12 Or his Brother Skyd who invented brown pants

[ted fenton]

"Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist, but very few people know about his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. What do you call a magician who's lost his magic? A. Ian

[Helmut Shown]

"Three blokes go on a ski trip together. When they get to the ski lodge there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the bloke on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, ""Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job.""ù The bloke on the left side of the bed has also woken up and says that he's had the same dream, too. The bloke in the middle says, ""Wow that's funny, I dreamt I was skiing.""ù"

[Helmut Shown]

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month

[Aalborg Hammer]

JustÔªø went to see a faith healer perform. He was so bad Ôªøeven a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. What do you call an Aardvark that gets beaten up all the time? A . A Vark

[brabrook]

"Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'"

[joe royal]

"I rung up work this morning.. ""My wife died last night."" I explained. ""I'm going to need some time off."" ""Oh my goodness, that's awful."" Replied the secretary. ""We understand though, take as much time off as you need."" ""Thank you."" I said. ""It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."""

[Darlo Debs]

Bunch of 5 lads come out of Elland Road after having their covid jabs singing I Predict A Riot -They are the Pfizer Chiefs.