THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[The Stoat]

"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasnÔøΩt much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every other answer and came second"

[Coffee]

"Dear Mr Lukaschenko, Next Friday, my mother-in-law will be flying on RyanAir flight RY1254 from London to Moscow. For some days, she's been expressing her deep concern about your regime. Just wanted to quickly share that with you. Yours most sincerely,"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"'Welcome to the 'Owning up to Flatulence Club' but I warn you,it's not for the 'Ain't Farted'"

[arsene york-hunt]

"Bloke out for a walk with his bird. She says ""I'm just popping behind this bush for a pee."" Bloke sneaks behind the other side of the bush and sticks his hand up her crutch and the withdraws it in horror. "" 'ere, you changed your sex."" he exclaimed. ""No,"" she replied ""I've changed my mind, I'm 'avin' a shit."""

[ted fenton]

Does anyone know how long to cook those boil in the bag fish that you win at the fair ?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I took my girlfriend Eileen to an orgy party last week, You should have seen the mess she was in when they started playing Dexy's midnight runners."

[onfiresquire]

Surfinglizard wrote... Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Why can't you get headache tablets in South America? Parrots eat em all. I'm a fan of Golfmates too

[Surfinglizard]

Why can't you get headache tablets in South America? Parrots eat em all.

[ted fenton]

"A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: ""Dark in here."" Man: ""Yes it is."" Boy: ""I have a baseball."" Man: ""That's nice."" Boy: ""Want to buy it?"" Man: ""No, thanks."" Boy: ""My dad's outside."" Man: ""OK, how much?"" Boy: ""£250."" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: ""Dark in here."" Man: ""Yes, it is."" Boy: ""I have a baseball glove."" Man: ""That's nice."" Boy: ""Want to buy it?"" Man: ""No, thanks."" Boy: ""I'll tell."" Man: ""How much?"" Boy: ""£750."" Man: ""Fine."" A few days later, the father says to the boy, ""Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"" The boy says, ""I can't. I sold them."" The father asks, ""How much did you sell them for?"" The son says, ""£1,000."" The father says, ""That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."" They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, ""Dark in here."" The priest says, ""Don't start that shit again!!"""

[The Stoat]

"Valmeira of Latvia, Maribor of Slovenia and Honka of Finland are some of the clubs Tottenham Hotspur could face in this years Europa Conference League. If youÔøΩve not heard of them before theyÔøΩre a small team that play in North London"

[The Stoat]

IÔøΩm reading a great book about an immortal dog IÔøΩm finding it impossible to put down.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Demi Lovato is now non-binary. Someone else we can't count on.

[Mike Oxsaw]

blob:https://web.whatsapp.com/13216bac-5bc8-43bd-8989-5d093c93364c

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Woman & baby go to docs. Doc is concerned about babys weight. ""Is he bottle or breast fed"" he asks. ""Breast fed"" says woman. He asks her to strip to the waist, pinches & sucks her nipples & rubs both tits for a while. ""no wonder he's under weight you've no milk"" . ""I know"" says the woman ""I'm his gran, but I'm glad I came"""

[brabrook]

ted fenton 8:24 Sat May 15 Hahaha

[Haz]

Ouch!

[The Stoat]

ted ;-)

[ted fenton]

No problem Haz... Please start taking this Indian Covid Variant seriously !! my neighbour caught it and has been in a korma for a week and he's only just buried his naan. He's having the Punjab tomorrow. Better ?

[Dazman]

"For what its worth I found it funny. Cheers Ted, keep on keeping on."

[Dazman]

"How can it be racist against a religion? If you really do feel the need to dissect a joke on a joke thread, then at least have the common deceny to be intelligent enough to know what you're talking about."

[Haz]

"To be honest, I thought the joke just states that tolerance works both ways, no? The fact that it did so in an unfunny way (sorry Ted!) is neither here nor there."

[Pee Wee]

Big difference between something clearly a joke and something written by a racist that is pretending to be clever and witty

[ted fenton]

Blimey Pee Wee you've got all holier than thou years ago you was posting your daily Sickipedia jokes !! Talk about pot kettle.

[riosleftsock]

"What race is Islam, peewee?"