THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[lab]

Just when I thought Vexed and Swiss were the most horrible *unts on here . Crack on Ted.

[Dandy Lyon]

Can't you find a funnier website to cut and paste your jokes from. Seriously unfunny.

[ted fenton]

"With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, ""Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"" ""No,"" said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, ""Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"" ""Uh... no, I haven't,"" he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her undies... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. ""Now,"" she said, ""have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"" He said ""No!"" trying to hide his expectant joy. She said ...... ""Check the garage."""

[ted fenton]

"MEANWHILE, BACK IN LINCOLN Husband went to the Police station to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.... Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I think. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been Joggers, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Lexus. Sergeant: What kind of Lexus was it? Husband: A 2007 SC 430 V8 engine just 32k on the clock and climate controlled air conditioning custom leather stitched seats multi CD player plus cassette player with navigation, satellite radio receiver cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Take it easy Buddy, we'll find your Lexus."

[ted fenton]

"Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night. ""My mate came off his motorbike today,"" he said. ""Oh really?"" I asked. ""Yes,"" he replied. ""He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."" ""Blimey,"" I said. ""No wonder he came off it then."""

[ted fenton]

Looking for a couple of gallons of diesel willing to swap for a Doctor's appointment !

[pdcwhu]

Ted.....🤣🤣

[wd40]

Lost my cat so spent days looking for her round my village with no luck . Wife sent me out again telling me I need to look a bit harder. Now pacing the village with a skinhead haircut new face tattoo and a knife in hand. Wish me luck .

[Coffee]

:-)

[Aalborg Hammer]

Got a text today. All it said was N G A B Think that's bang out of order.

[ted fenton]

"Jacks new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as they were on their way to see his parents, so he called them up and said ""Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture"". ""Oh Jack!"" she sighed ""I thought you had a real one this time."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"""We're going on holiday to Poole"" ""In Dorset? "" ""Yes, we thoroughly recommend it"""

[Mirkwood]

"TEACHER - Give an example of a business falier, due to poor management JONNY - A prostitute getting pregnant TEACHER - Get out of my class now"

[ted fenton]

"Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch. Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old t-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal. Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy. Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg."

[ted fenton]

"""You'll have to take that off,"" the boss said, pointing at my giant 'Birthday Boy' badge. ""Oh, come on"" I pleaded, ""I promised my little girl I'd wear it all day!"" ""We're going to be late, so just take the bloody thing off,"" he insisted, ""and help me load the coffin."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. ""Nurse,"" he mumbles from behind the mask, ""Are my testicles black?"" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ""I don't know, Sir.. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."" He struggles to ask again, ""Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, ""There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."" The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, ""Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely: ""Are - my - test - results ""ì back?"

[ted fenton]

"Last Wishes Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: ""My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."" ""My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."" ""My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."" ""Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames ."" The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of his holdings. As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, ""Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property""¶""¶""¶""¶.. ""Property?""ù, Sarah Smith replies. ""The arsehole had a window cleaning round."""

[riosleftsock]

"My cousin just started a business making glass coffins, not sure how successful that will be. Remains to be seen."

[The Stoat]

Cheeky bastard cold caller just rang and asked me if I'd like to donate some of my wife's clothes to the starving I told him to fuck off as if her clothes fitted any of them they were as sure as shit not starving

[Briano]

"Prince Andrew, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk into an Irish bar Barman says ""ònot Yew tree again'"

[Coffee]

"An unusual row broke out yesterday as a judge decided on who should have custody of a 15 year-old boy. The judge initially awarded custody to the boy's aunt when the child complained that both his parents regularly beat him. But the boy then informed the court that his aunt also beat him, so the judge changed his decision and gave the grandparents custody. The boy said that they, too, constantly beat him. As domestic violence seemed to be a way of life among the immediate family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to decided who has custody of him. After two recesses during which the judge conferred with legal sources, the judge awarded temporary custody to Arsenal FC, whom the boy said have little chance of beating anyone this season."

[ted fenton]

Bungo ;-)

[Bungo]

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people

[ted fenton]

"A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears; "" You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side You know what?""ù ""What dear?""ù she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ""ùI think you're bad luck.""ù"

[Pentonville]

So much has changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant. My name My number My address