THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[riosleftsock]

Aalborg - keep em coming mate. Love the jokes (even the shit ones)

[Tomsdad]

My mate Terry said he'd heard a rumour that Toyah had never had a top 10 hit. I said It's a myth Terry. He said Oh yeah I forgot about that one.

[Side of Ham]

"Not a fan of Farage but.......so can we keep cunts like him off here to point score unless it's a joke actually about him? fraser 3:49 Mon Jan 10 Re: This coronavirus in China Rob - Not sure what your point is, he (Farage) wanted the UK to have the same strict visa requirements. Djokovic met those requirements, which is why they were told to allow him in by a court of law."

[mallard]

"Cor Blimey 6:46 Mon Jan 10 Aalborg is one of the top contributors to this thread, maybe you shouldn't be so touchy when someone dares to joke about your beloved Nige"

[ted fenton]

"A man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, ""Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."" The social worker behind the counter said ""Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."" ""Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."" The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,..............""You're bull-shittin' me!"" The social worker said, ""Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . """

[Cor Blimey]

Aalborg Hammer 1:18 Mon Jan 10 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) I know 2022 is only 10 days old but Nigel Farage and his fan base protesting about the Australian immigration system keeping an East European in a detention centre is going to be a tough one to beat for irony of the year Maybe you should start an irony thread and leave the jokes to people with a sense of humour.

[Aalborg Hammer]

I know 2022 is only 10 days old but Nigel Farage and his fan base protesting about the Australian immigration system keeping an East European in a detention centre is going to be a tough one to beat for irony of the year

[ted fenton]

"A Mafia Boss finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of £10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. (That was the reason he got the job in the first place....it was assumed that Guido would never hear anything and would therefore never have to testify in Court). When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing £10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, ""Ask him where my fuckin' money is!"" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, �Where's the money ? Guido signs back, ""I don't know what you are talking about."" The lawyer tells the Godfather, ""He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, ""Ask him again or I'll kill him!"" The lawyer signs to Guido, ""He'll kill you if you don't tell him where the money is."" Guido trembles and signs back, ""OK, OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house, 23448 Valley Road. But he's away on vacation currently."" The Godfather asks the lawyer, ""What did he say?"" After a brief pause, the lawyer replies, ""He says that you don't have the balls to pull the trigger, you fat f#ck."""

[Manuel]

How many more times do I have to read that Lingard is a Man Utd supporter and it's his boyhood club. YEAH WE KNOW!!

[jack flash]

"ManU fan: ""Ronaldo has tested positive for being the best player in the world"" Scouser: ""Good job he's not showing any syptoms!"""

[Nutsin]

"Manuel use to be a stand up comic""¶""¶ He quit because everybody was laughing at him. Ag Ag Ag Ag !"

[ted fenton]

"Chinese man goes to the doctors, Chinese man says; ""doctor me feel sick"" so the doctor replies with; ""when i feel ill or sick, i make love to my wife"" so the Chinese man does as he says and returns the next day and says; oh me feel much better now.. your home very nice"""

[ted fenton]

"An Infantry Major was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Major decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was ""work"" and how much of it was ""pleasure?"" A Captain chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work. A Lieutenant said it was 50-50%. A 2nd Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Major turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, ""Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."" The Major was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? ""Well, sir,"" said the Private, ""If there was any work involved, the Officers would have me doing it for them."""

[Coffee]

This is not an autobiographical thread.

[Manuel]

"My wife sometimes shouts out ''Daddy'' during sex. I said to her, bit rude, there are 3 of us here. I was in a porn film once many years ago, many years ago, in fact I was just a kid."

[ted fenton]

I launched my charity bedding appeal for Africa today. Duvet Know it's Christmas?

[ted fenton]

"Dear Santa, am writing to tell you that i was naughty this year and it was worth it you fat judgmental bastard"

[bell]

Die Hard is the best Christmas film. Hans down.

[lab]

Took me a minute Bungo!

[Bungo]

"Me: The earth is not flat. Fiat earther: Correct. Me: Huh? Fiat Earther: It's shaped like an Italian car. Me: What? Fiat Earther: You read my name incorrectly, didn't you?"

[Briano]

"I've got a snake for sale put it in the free ads in the local paper. Bloke rang me last night and asked how big it was, 'massive I said' 'how many feet' he said I replied 'mate it's a snake'"

[ted fenton]

"A LARGE WOMAN, WEARING A SLEEVELESS SUN DRESS, WALKED INTO A BAR IN DUBLIN. SHE RAISED HER RIGHT ARM, REVEALING A HUGE, HAIRY ARMPIT. She pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ""What man here will buy this lass a drink?"" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, ""Pour the ballerina adrink!"" THE BARTENDER POURED THE DRINK AND THE WOMAN CHUGGED IT DOWN. SHE TURNED TO THE PATRONS AND AGAIN POINTED AROUND AT ALL OF THEM, REVEALING THE SAME HAIRY ARMPIT, AND ASKED, ""What man here will buy this lass ANOTHER drink?"" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, ""Give the ballerina another drink!"" THE BARTENDER APPROACHED THE DRUNK AND SAID, ""TELL ME, PADDY, IT'S YOUR BUSINESS IF YOU WANT TO BUY THE LADY A DRINK, But why do you keep calling her a 'ballerina'?"" The drunk replied...""Any woman who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina!!"""

[Nutsin]

"I use to date a girl who had a parrot, Fucking thing never shut up! The Parrot was cool though."

[Far Cough]

"Did you know Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool fan and he never wore aftershave in his life. That's right, Yul never wore cologne"

[Bungo]

"If you know of anyone who will be alone at home this Christmas, please give me their details. I need to borrow some chairs at lunchtime."