THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

Haha Stoatie

[Noah]

The Stoat 8:05 Fri Apr 1 ag ag ag ag

[The Stoat]

"Colin ""How about we form a band""ù? Ulrika ""What will we call the band""ù? Norman ""We could do what ABBA done""ù! Tracey ""Bad idea""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old sailor goes with an old brass. They get up to her room and he'd hard at it. ""How am I doing?"" ""You're doing three knots"" ""What's that?"" ""You're not hard ,you're not in and you're not getting your money back!!"""

[Haz]

"I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, ""Thanks."" I said, ""Don't mention it."""

[ted fenton]

"A left wing politician, a TV reporter and an SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying! The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV. The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out. As the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead, grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists! The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun? ""Because"" said the trooper; ""When we get back to the UK, I don't want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack""!!"

[JayeMPee]

"Young woman, early twenties, lives in a small village in the West Country. Desperate to be screwed there is nobody local who would fit the bill. She decides to go to London for the day certain she will find someone there, gets a train to Waterloo arriving early evening and makes her way to the West End. Visits several pubs and sitting at the bars keeps eyeing chaps she fancies but the only interest she gets is a drunken old sod who tries groping her. She smacks his face and heads back to Waterloo to catch the last train home. Still desperate she notices a cleaner stood at the entrance to a platform with his chin planted on his broom handle looking really pissed off. Seeing him as her last chance she heads straight for him and shouts 'I need fucking'. He looks up and into her eyes and says 'so do I dear I've just swept the wrong platform!'"

[The Stoat]

"I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a French maids outfit and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided that if she can't hold a job down, she's not for me"

[arsene york-hunt]

"I'm a masochist, I like a freezing cold shower in the morning, so I have a hot one."

[lab]

"It's looking like Chelsea will have very little money to spend in the summer transfer market ,therefore Declan Rice will not be on their radar . However they may but in a bid for his brother, Muller . Good at corners ."

[ted fenton]

"For all those who are sad that Crufts is over, don't worry. Paracrufts starts in two weeks."

[Anders]

What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex ? One will make you day the other will make your whole week.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand pounds in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, ""What's with the money in the jar?"" ""Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, ""What are the three tests?"" ""You gotta pay first,"" says the bartender, ""those are the rules."" So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender £10 which he stuffs into the jar. ""Okay,"" says the bartender, ""here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."" ""Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."" ""Third - There's a 90 year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."" The man is stunned! ""I know I paid my £10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"" ""Your call,"" says the bartender, ""but, your money stays where it is."" As time goes on, the man has a lot more drinks and finally says, ""Where's the damn tequila?!"" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face, and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight, then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, ""Now, where's that woman that wants her tooth out?"""

[ted fenton]

As Chelsea face up to a trophyless future with no money to spend on transfers football fans begin to wonder how long Government sanctions have been in place at Tottenham. üòä

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate's a cannibal..he went on holiday and came back with one arm..I said ""What happened to you?"" He said ""I went self catering """

[Helmut Shown]

"A city gent was sitting in the first class carriage on the way into London. As he sat there he was doing the Times crossword. An Irish navvy got in and sat next to the city gent. As he pondered over a difficult clue the navvy was looking over at the crossword. Eventually the city gent got out leaving his paper behind. The navvy picked up the paper and plucking a pencil from behind his ear filled in the clue the city gent was having trouble with. As the navvy got up to leave the train another passenger who witnessed the whole thing picked up the paper and looked what the navvy had done. 5 across five letter word ""to egg on"" In pencil the navvy had written ""toast"""

[ted fenton]

"Reasons Not To Mess With Children A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

I've got a pet newt called Tiny. Why do you call him Tiny? Because he's my-newt

[ted fenton]

How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Ha ha!! Screw!

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The story goes that a 10 year old boy comes back from school and his grandfather says ""What did you do at school today?"" The boy says "" I'm in the school play and I play the part of a man who's been married for 35 years"" ""Never mind,boy, you'll get a talking part next time"""

[eswing hammer]

"Tory politician dies and goes to heaven and gets to the pearly gates and st Peter says well you will have to decide if you wanna stay here or stay in hell , ok says the MP and the lift takes him down to hell , he hits the floor on the 18 th green at some posh golf club , all his old mates are there and they go off to the bar , the devils there telling jokes , everyone's enjoying themselves there's beer , champagne , lobster , spare birds , and the MP gets truly pissed , wakes up next morning and is whosed back to heaven where he spends the day floating on a cloud , playing his harp and sipping tea , next day St Peter says right you've had a day in hell and a day in heaven what is it to be ? The MP says do you what I'm gonna choose Hell , Ok says St Peter and he whooshes him down to hell , this time it's dark and miserable it's a rubbish tip and all his old mates are in rags , he sees the devil and says l don't understand it was great down here before but now it's awful, the devil looks at him and says well now you know what it's like not to get what you voted for !"

[Coffee]

Good one!☺️☺️☺️

[JayeMPee]

"Very tall Englishman (well over 6 feet) on holiday in the West Indies, goes into the gents toilet. Standing at the urinal he notices a stocky well built local about 5ft 6inches tall stood next to him. Looking down imperiously he also notes the guy has the letters WY tattooed on his penis. This came as a great surprise since he also has WY tattooed on his penis. They move over to the wash basins alongside each other and whilst washing their hands the Englishman looks down at the local and says ' I say old chap I couldn't help but notice you have the letters WY tattooed on your penis' 'Yeh man' came the reply. Finishing washing hands the Englishman softy said 'when mine's erect it says WendY' The Englishman followed the local to the hand driers quietly saying 'look I fly home tomorrow and I will never forgive myself if I don't ask what yours says'. They leave the toilet and outside the Englishman repeats the question. Almost reluctantly the local looks the Englishman in the eyes and says 'Ok, when mine is erect it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice daY' !"

[Helmut Shown]

"A couple were out walking their dog. The dog stops, sits down and begins licking his bollocks. The man says to his wife ""I wish I could do that"" She replies ""Well get yourself ready I'll hold him down"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Fella wakes up after being in a coma for months after a car crash.The doctor comes in and explains what happened and he's lucky to be alive.He goes on to list all the treatment he's undergone and says that his penis had been badly damaged in the wreck.Compensation had been paid out and they'd put aside £10,000 for reconstructive surgery calculated at £1000 per inch ""It's a delicate subject,I know, so talk to your wife tonight and I'll pop back tomorrow for your decision"" The surgeon arrives the next day with his clipboard. ""Right,Mr. Hedges,what are you having?"" ""A new kitchen with marble worktops"""