THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"This has to be one of my all time favourites..... A little girl was standing at her front gate while her little fat puppy ran around the garden. The local vicar was walking past and noticed how pretty the little girl looked in her white cotton summer dress. He leaned on the gate to speak to her and said, ""That's a pretty dress you have on little girle. What's your name?"" Girl: ""Hello Vicar. My name is Petal"". Vicar: ""Well, well, that's a pretty name too. How did you get a name like that?"" Girl: When my mummy was in hospital waiting for me to be born, a petal floated in through the window and landed on her tummy, so she called me Petal"" Vicar: ""Oh, what a wonderful story. And what is your doggies name?"" Girl: ""His name is Porky"". Vicar: ""I bet he's called Porky because he is fat"" Girl: ""Oh no. It's because he Fucks pigs!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes into a hardware shop and says ""I'd like to buy a dead wasp please "" the man says ""We don't have any"" ""But you've got one in the window """

[penners28]

"A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ""Yep"" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, ""So, what's your story?"" The Lab looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."" The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. ""Ten dollars"" the guy says. ""Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"" ""Because he's a fucking liar. He's never even been out of the yard."""

[Helmut Shown]

"A man is walking down the road and he hears ""Mark! Mark!"" . As his name is Mark he looks around to see who is calling him. He walks further along and he hears ""Mark! Mark!"" yet again but this time louder. He goes further and as he is passing the garden of a house he hears "" Mark! Mark! "" he looks over the garden wall and sees a dog with a hare lip."

[ted fenton]

"A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl in a university library: ""Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied in a loud voice: ""I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: ""I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded in a loud voice: ""£500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy then whispered in her ear: ""I study law: I know how to even things up!"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A man goes into hospital for a circumcision operation. Whilst he is anesthetized the surgeon gets to work. A slip of the hand and the patient's left testicle is cut off. Fully aware of the repercussions of a medical negligence trial he goes down to the kitchen and gets a silverskin pickled onion and sews it into the patients scrotum. Three months after the operation the patient goes back for a check up. ""Any problems?"" The surgeon asks. The man replies "" Well just one slight thing: every time i eat a cheese sandwich i get an erection"""

[Too Much Too Young]

ted fenton 8:58 Fri Apr 29 AG Sent that to my MD.

[ted fenton]

;-)

[Mike Oxsaw]

Ted... ...behave.... ...that is all.

[ted fenton]

"Good one Helmut ;-) YES THIS IS YEARS OLD BUT I LOVE IT üôÇ A man goes on holiday to Barcelona and decides to go for a meal in town. A fancy bistro catches his eye so he walks in and orders paella. Whilst he's waiting he spots his waiter serving a man's meal. The dish smells sublime, rich in colour with juices oozing from the two pieces of tender meat. ""Excuse me senor"" he says to the waiter just before he walks past his table. ""That dish you served to the gentleman over there, what is it?"" ""Ahh, that senor is our most popular dish. The bulls testicles"" ""Really?"" the man says in a surprised manor. ""It looks and smells great! Is it too late to change my order?"" ""No it is not senor but I'm afraid you cannot have the bulls testicles"" ""Why not?"" ""There is only one bull fight a day senor so only one meal can be ordered a day. If you come back early tomorrow you can order it then"" The man is disappointed and so he has his meal, goes back to his hotel and comes back the next day. First one through the door and orders the testicles. After a short wait his meal arrives. The dish smells sublime, rich in colour with juices oozing from the two pieces of tender meat. He tucks in and is amazed at the unbelievable taste and texture of what he thinks is by far the best thing he has ever eaten. After finishing, the waiter comes over. ""How was it senor? You like?"" ""That was the best thing I've ever eaten but I just had one slight issue"" ""Yes senor?"" ""Well, the dish you gave to the gentleman yesterday, the testicles on his plate seemed bigger than mine"" ""Ahh senor, sometimes the bull he wins"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A young woman and her boyfriend are crossing the desert in a land rover. The woman is having problems with the extreme heat. ""Why dont you take your knickers off"" says her boyfriend ""it will improve the air circulation around your lower body"" ""I'm not doing that!"" She replies "" there's too much chance of tge locals seeing up my skirt"" He says ""well its your loss, none of the local women wear drawers around here"" They come to an oasis and she sees a big fat woman sitting under a palm tree eating a melon. She is sitting tgere with her legs wide open and her vagina open to view. The girl approaches her and says ""excuse me, you don't mind me asking but do you find that wearing no knickers helps you keep cool?"" "" no"" says the fat woman "" it keeps de flies off my melon"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

Q. What do you get when you mix alcohol with American literature? A. Tequila Mockingbird.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu. You get what you deserve

[ted fenton]

For all of you that have Alexa ask her to say coffeebean 100 in Welsh. This is dedicated to cross hammer !!!!

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A seacow-shaped Zeppelin, advertising the rock opera ""Tommy"", has just burst into flames and crashed to earth. Oh, The Who manatee!"

[ted fenton]

"Two elderly women were having lunch together, And discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, ""I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."" The second woman responded, ""Oh, I'm thinking of having my arse-hole bleached!"" ""Oh! Dear!"" replied the first woman. ""I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy went for an interview. The fella says ""Have you filled in the questionnaire yet?"" So he goes downstairs and beats up the doorman."

[Pee Wee]

Top work with your last 3 Stoat I wish others would take a leaf out of your book when remembering jokes should be funny

[Briano]

"Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antiques road show, presenter says ""ò these are a fine example from the turn of the century Taxidermist Colbrigg of London, if in top condition do you know what they would fetch? ""òSticks' replied Paddy"

[eswing hammer]

"We took in one of those Eastern European refugees , l got her to do the cleaning and hoovering but she took so long over it we got rid of her, l thought she was Ukrainian but it turned out she was a SlowVac !"

[joe royal]

"Kier Starmer walked into a bank to cash a cheque When he's called over to the cashier he says, ""Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"" The cashier replied, ""It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"" Starmer said, ""Truthfully, I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I'm the leader of the Labour Party"" The teller said, ""Yes sir, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID."" Starmer said, ""Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they'll tell you. Everybody knows who I am."" The cashier said, ""I'm sorry, Sir Kier, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them"" Getting a bit agitated, Starmer snapped, ""C'mon woman, I'm urging you, please, to cash this cheque.."" The cashier said, ""Look Sir Kier, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. ""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr Starmer , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"" Kier Starmer stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, ""Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there's nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue."""

[The Stoat]

Scunthorpe's relegation means there are only two teams left in the Football League who's name contains a swear word. Arsenal and F***king Tottenham!!!

[The Stoat]

A new movie is about to hit the big screens It's about the lives of the composers and features an all star cast Stallone said he will play Mozart Willis mentioned he will be Beethoven Van Damme stated he will play the part of Strauss Schwarzenegger told journo's to piss off he ain't saying it

[Queens Fish Bar]

"A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, ""Do you mind if I say a word?""ù. ""No, go right ahead""ù, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says ""Plethora""ù, and sits back down. ""Thanks""ù, the woman says, ""that means a lot""ù"

[The Stoat]

ted fenton 5:02 Sat Apr 2 Noah 4:16 Sat Apr 2 ;-)