THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[claret on my shirt]

I once worked at a pizza Parlour to get by I kneaded the dough!

[ted fenton]

I'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights. Who wants some?

[ted fenton]

lab hahaha ;-)

[lab]

I see the Boxing Day swim off Dover was a huge success .112 people went in 476 came out .

[joe royal]

Russian roulette isn't that dangerous. I posted an online survey once asking about people's experiences of playing Russian Roulette and 100% of the respondents said they survived.

[Mike Oxsaw]

I see that the Americans still can't deal with a little nip in the air...

[Mr Anon]

Helmut Shown 1:24 Mon Dec 19 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) I don't get it! should the names reverse or something?

[ted fenton]

"The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. ""òJesus ' he exclaimed. Joseph said, ""òWrite that down, Mary, it's better than Derek!"

[legrandefromage]

"Two gentlemen approach the reception desk in a hotel lobby. One says to the other, ""My ROOK to BISHOP 4 blew you out of the water in that last game!"" ""So, what,""ù the other replies, ""whenever you're WHITE I always confound you with my Sicilian Defence."" The receptionist says, ""Will you two just shut up!"" ""What's your problem?"" they ask ""I don't like chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."" That's a cracker! Merry Christmas!"

[ted fenton]

"Dear Santa, am writing to tell you that i was naughty this year and it was worth it you fat judgmental bastard !"

[Troy McClure]

The strangest job I ever had was at the zoo cleaning up monkey poo. That shit was bananas.

[ted fenton]

"A LARGE WOMAN, WEARING A SLEEVELESS SUN DRESS, WALKED INTO A BAR IN DUBLIN. SHE RAISED HER RIGHT ARM, REVEALING A HUGE, HAIRY ARMPIT. She pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ""What man here will buy this lass a drink?"" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, ""Pour the ballerina adrink!"" THE BARTENDER POURED THE DRINK AND THE WOMAN CHUGGED IT DOWN. SHE TURNED TO THE PATRONS AND AGAIN POINTED AROUND AT ALL OF THEM, REVEALING THE SAME HAIRY ARMPIT, AND ASKED, ""What man here will buy this lass ANOTHER drink?"" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, ""Give the ballerina another drink!"" THE BARTENDER APPROACHED THE DRUNK AND SAID, ""TELL ME, PADDY, IT'S YOUR BUSINESS IF YOU WANT TO BUY THE LADY A DRINK, But why do you keep calling her a 'ballerina'?"" The drunk replied...""Any woman who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina!!"""

[ted fenton]

"On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, ""We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."" So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week or so later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, ""We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."" The good wife went out and moved her car again. A few days later they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, ""We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."" Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, ""I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"" Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess, he replied, ""Why don't you just leave the f....ing car in the garage this time?"""

[Helmut Shown]

"An American evangelist comes over and holds a big event at Earl's Court. In front of a packed crowd he tells the congregation ""Brothers and sisters I am going to demonstrate to you today tge power of prayer. Are there any troubled people here who need the help of God?"" A shy man comes forward and the evangelist says "" What's your name son? "" ""J-J-John"" says the man ""Do you believe in God John?"" "" Y-Y-Y-Yes"" says John ""And what's your problem John?"" ""I h-h-have a ssssstutter"" he replies ""Well John, go behind the screen and we will pray to the Almighty to find a solution to your problem"" John goes behind the screen, and the reverend asks ""Are there any other lost souls we can help?"" A man approaches the platform on crutches. ""And what's your name sir?"" The evangelist asks "" Brian"" the new man replies. ""What's your problem son?"" He asks "" I'm a cripple and have to use crutches to get about"" ""Well Brian, go behind the screen with John and we will use the power of the Lord to help you"" Brian hobbles behind the screen and the pastor leads a service singing hymns and prayers for half an hour. At tge end of the service he shouts out loudly ""Brian throw away your crutches"". The crutches come flying over from behind the screen. ""Now John speak to me"" A voice comes from behind the screen ""B-B-Brian's fffallen over"""

[ted fenton]

"I walked into Waterstones and asked, ""Do you have any books on 'How to stop impulse buying'?"" ""Yes we do."" ""Excellent. I'll take seventeen copies please."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. ""No, I'm travelling light."""

[ted fenton]

"A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: ""Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband""ù When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: ""Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up"

[ted fenton]

"THE IRISH BROTHEL Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, Watching the front door of the bro thel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. ""Would you look at that!"" says the first Irishman. ""Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, Knocks, and goes inside. ""Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"" They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. ""Ah, now dat's sad."" says the third Irishman. ""One of the girls must have died."""

[happygilmore]

"So I phoned my Scottish boss this morning and said: ""Sorry boss, I won't be able to come in today, I've got a bit of a cough"". He said: ""You have a wee cough laddie?"" I said: ""Ok cheers boss - see you next week!"""

[riosleftsock]

"Self-defence tip: When being attacked by a group of circus performers, always go for the juggler."

[The Stoat]

"I think it's about time people stopped making jokes about the Welsh football team. In all fairness, they're not that bad. Their last 15 results actually look something like this - LLWDWWDDLLWWDLL Which, by sheer coincidence, is also the name of the village where Gareth Bale's dad was born........"

[ted fenton]

There are four stages in life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. Luckily i'm only on the second one.......WHAT ???????

[claret on my shirt]

ted fenton 12:41 Mon Nov 28 hahahaha Brilliant!

[ted fenton]

"A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the live dishes of the day. The Waiter leads him over to a large tank, and the man examines the fish. ""I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip, please"" says the man. ""O.K."" replies the Waiter and calls out ""Gervais!!"" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid. ""Not to worry"" says the Waiter, and calls out ""Hans!!"" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. ""Sir"", says the Waiter, ""this is Hans, our dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"" The dishwasher catches the squid, and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. ""I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid"" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. Wait for it. . .. . ""Well sir,"" says the Waiter, ""it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid."" OK...I'll get my coat."

[ted fenton]

"Just got this text:- Mate, you're not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece! Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. I know it's short notice but if you're free from 1st to 15th December, can you put my bin out? :-((("