THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Helmut Shown]

"Did you know if you enter Moyes, Sullivan and Cresswell in What 3 Words you end up shit creek?"

[BillyBondsBirthday]

I was pleased when the Gent sub Godeau came on in the 84th minute last night. I had been waiting for him.

[Stevethehammer]

David Moyes having 2 goalkeepers on the bench

[joyo]

Fat Frank must be the worst caretaker since Ian Huntley

[Westside]

"A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'"

[riosleftsock]

"Just had some great financial news, couldn't have come at a better time, with the cost of living crisis and the price of everything going up. The kid I sponsor in Africa has been eaten by a lion."

[Aalborg Hammer]

What's the similarity between George Michael and a pair of wellington boots- they both got sucked off in bogs

[The Stoat]

Police have confirmed that the man who fell 18 storeys from a rooftop night club was not a bouncer.

[Mirkwood]

Yeah Ted kept it going

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

"An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'"

[Son of Sam]

Hermit Road 11:56 Wed Apr 5

[lincslink]

Here here

[Hermit Road]

This should be renamed the Ted Fenton Memorial Joke thread

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Q .What goes ""CLIP CLOP ! CLIP CLOP ! BANG !! BANG !! ,CLIP CLOP ! CLIP CLOP ! A. An Amish drive-by shooting"

[Son of Sam]

My daughter was doing her history homework and asked me what did I know about Galileo? I said 'He was a poor boy from a poor family'

[Bungo]

"When I was 7, I wrote to Jim'll Fix It asking to meet Paul Daniels. I shudder to think of it now, as I could have ended up meeting Paul Daniels."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old man sits down on a park bench next to a Punk. Fascinated at the Punks multi-coloured hair the old man can't help but stare. Eventually the Punk looks at the old man and says ""what are you staring at? haven't you ever done something crazy in your sad life?"" To which the old man replies, ""Oh yes, once I fucked a parrot, and was just wondering if you might be my son"""

[lab]

"Willtell""¶I think you may have fucked up here ."

[Willtell]

This thread used to occasionally have funny jokes...

[ray winstone]

"Went to a Jimmy Greaves charity dinner last night, Harry Redknapp was there telling the same old stories, quite entertaining though. Then this old geezer gets up and does a comedy stint, calls himself ""òThe Cat' and recounts some funny goalkeeping jokes amongst some other stuff. At the end he said ""òjust in case you were wondering why they call me ""òThe Cat'? It's because I was buggered by a bloke called Tom when I was a kid'""¶""¶"

[joyo]

"Coming this summer Disney's new heart touching story of a transgender Whale.... "" Maybe Dick"""

[Helmut Shown]

"Another Jewish couple are also coming up to their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Solomon says ""Becky, I want to do something special for you for our anniversary.""ù Becky replies ""Solly, pre has been good to us I want for nothing but there is one thing I have always wanted to do: I would like to bathe in champagne""ù ""Right""ù Solly says ""You shall have it""ù The day comes and Becky goes into the bathroom and the bath is full of champagne. She bathes in it and then gets ready for the party they are going to have that day. Solomon then starts to siphon the champagne from the bath back into the bottles to reuse for the party. He gets close to finishing and finds there are no bottles left but there are three pints of champagne left Solly shouts out to his wife ""Becky you didn't!""ù"

[Helmut Shown]

"An old Jewish couple were coming up to their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They decide to have a barbecue in their garden to celebrate with friends and family. They also had their bathroom done up as a present to each other. The time comes for the barbecue. An old friend is sitting quietly as the barbecue gets started. He hasn't seen the couple for ten years and the couple's son asks him how he knows his parents. ""I have known them for years in fact I knew them when they cooked indoors and shit outside""ù"

[Mike Oxsaw]

"When I was a kid, my dad used to tell me to keep my pocket money in a special metal box under the stairs. I was 15 before I realised it was the fucking gas meter."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"As I get older, I find I only need 3 shops. Specsavers , Boots and Greggs. My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls"