THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Helmut Shown]

"I got a knock on the door the other day A man stood there and said ""I'm from Littlewoods"" ""I haven't won the pools have I?"" I exclaimed ""No we've caught your missus shoplifting"" he replied"

[arsene york-hunt]

"A man goes into a big brothel. He pays the entry fee and is shown into a room that has two doors marked BIG GIRLS, SMALL GIRLS. He then goes through the BIG GIRLS door. In the next room the doors are marked BIG TITS, SMALL TITS. He then goes through the BIG TITS door. Next room the doors are marked: BIG BUMS, SMALL BUMS. He then goes through the BIG BUMS door. Next room the doors are marked: BIG CUNTS, SMALL CUNTS. He then goes through the BIG CUNTS door, and finished up back in the street."

[arsene york-hunt]

"My daughter loves Michael Jackson, So I told her ""You know he dangled a baby out of the window of a hotel window. She said ""Yeah but he didn't toss him off"" (Period of laughter) ""I'll tell her when she's older"" Roy Chubby Brown Ted Moult shot himself but nobody heard the shot, the windows were closed. Bernard Manning"

[Swiss.]

My mate killed a dolphin. He said he did it on porpoise. I made that up myself :-)

[Chip Shop Charlie]

"The Bathtub Test During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, ""How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Care Home?"" ""Well,"" he said, ""we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."" ""Oh, I understand,"" I said. ""A younger person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup. But it would be too heavy for the elderly - right!"" ""No"" he said. ""A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"""

[Alex G]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You can't say you don't get what's advertised when you watch a Man United match in the ten Has era!

[Chip Shop Charlie]

"A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but his head was the size of a grapefruit. The first man said ""Excuse me for staring, but I cant help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"" The man said ""buy me a drink and I'll tell you."" The drink was ordered and the story began. I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to swim to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was walking on the beach one day looking for food and when I looked up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and told me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. That's great I said. I'd like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Another slap of the tail and I was built like a Stallion. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and only one wish left, I asked if I could make love to her. She said no it just wouldn't work her being half fish and all, so I said, ""well, how about a little head then?"""

[ray winstone]

"At a funeral a man asks the vicar for the wifi code, the vicar replies 'please have some respect for your late mother', the man says 'is that all lower case'?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Seeing as there hasn't been an Indian Grand Prix for a while ,the Indian government gathered a 1000 eunuchs together ,selected half as the other weren't fit and they're having a race called the 'Indiaknackerless 500'"

[bell]

"The wife messaged earlier saying that three of the girls in her office all got sent flowers today, and they are gorgeous. That's probably why I said."

[Helmut Shown]

"Quasimodo limps into a pub and says to the barman ""Whisky"" ""Bell's alright?"" Asks the barman Quasimodo replies: "" mind your own fucking business"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A bloke gets drunk and gets thrown out of his local pub. He walks along to another pub and gets talking to the landlord. He then boasts to him that even blindfolded he can tell the animal any skin comes from just by stroking it. The landlord challenges him and tells him if they blindfold him and he guesses what animal the pelt is from he'll give him a pint. He agrees and furthering his boast he also says that he will tell him what weapon killed the beast by examining the hole in the skin He is blindfolded and they bring a pelt for him to stroke. He says ""This skin comes from a leopard and it was killed by a .303 rifle"" The dumbfounded landlord says ""Correct"" and pulls him a pint. Next up they give him another pelt he strokes it and says ""this is a warthog and it was killed with an assegai"" ""Correct again"" says the landlord and pours him another pint. This goes on all night and he gets none of the tests wrong. He stumbles out of the pub pissed as a newt. When he wakes up in the morning with a monumental hangover he looks in the mirror and notices he has a black eye and no idea how he got it. He says to his wife ""Did I come home with a black eye last night?"" "" No"" she replies ""I gave it to you. You got into bed last night and shoved your hand in my knickers and said ""Skunk and it was killed with a meat cleaver"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've just seen Jamie Oliver making a salad with watercress and lollo rosso.I'm not sure where his other kids were

[Pee Wee]

"I never thought I'd miss Ted, but even the jokes he Eddie B'd were a better standard than that."

[boleyn8420]

Where do penguins keep their eggs In an eggloo Who tells the best egg jokes Comedihens

[joe royal]

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down's syndrome I wanted my first time to be special.

[Aalborg Hammer]

My uncle was a crap ventriloquist - he used to stick his fingers up my arse and tell me not to say anything

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate Andy Zoff, was the best runner in our school."

[RoyalDocksGK]

"David Moyes, Ange Postecoglou and Mikel Arteta are in the pub. Moyesy goes up to the bar whilst the other two go find a table, and eventually comes back with 3 pints of Tennents. Once they've drunk those, Postecoglou goes up and comes back with 3 pints of Fosters. Next up is Arteta. Yet on his return he comes back with 2 pints of Madri. He places one down in front of David Moyes, and then takes a big gulp from the other other one. Postecoglou now very confused asks ""where's mine?""ù To which Arteta and Moyes both laugh, ""you're not in the 3rd round!""ù"

[Jasnik]

look nice....

[Jasnik]

Too Much Too Young 9:39 Fri Aug 25 And.. Mary had a little lamb She also had a Duck She put them on the mantelpiece To see if they would

[boleyn8420]

How do you get a one armed man out of a tree. You wave to him

[Helmut Shown]

"A bloke buys an old oil lamp from an antiques shop. When he gets it home he decides to polish it up. As he starts there is a flash of lightning and a big apparition dressed in middle eastern traditional dress appears before him. ""I am the genie of the lamp, you have set me free. I will grant you three wishes"" the apparition says. The bloke says ""What anything I like?"" "" Yes anything"" the genie replies ""OK"" he says after some thought ""I want all the money I could ever use in a lifetime"" A big flash of lightning and the room is full of £50 notes ""Next"" he says ""I want to live in a luxury mansion in the sun with a big swimming pool and ten person hot tub"" Another flash of lightning and him and his money are transported to a beautiful mansion in the Caribbean with a large pool with a ten person hot tub. ""And your last wish?"" The genie asks The bloke replies "" I want to be surrounded with fanny"" Another big flash of lightning and he turns into a tampon"

[Too Much Too Young]

"Mary had a little skirt, it split right up the sides, and everywhere that Mary went, the boys could see her thighs. She also had another skirt, it split right up the front. She didn't wear that one."

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've just bought a Van Gogh coffee table. I've just noticed that it's got a bit of veneer missing.