THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

Millennials are pissing me off - walking around like they rent the place

[onfiresquire]

What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriend's arse

[Helmut Shown]

"A boy asks his mother ""Mum, how does a buffalo mate?""ù The mother replies ""I don't know son, you're father's a Mason""ù"

[Bungo]

*race even...

[Bungo]

Late entry from Ladbaby for the reace to the Christmas number 1. Apparently this year's song is to be 'The Fairytale of Tubed Pork'.

[Helmut Shown]

"A young female hippopotamus was grazing in the grasslands by the forest. She hears an almighty crash as two trees fall down very close to her. She looks into the forest and sees a large white rhino with a look of thunder on his face. The hippo says ""hold up why did you do that you could have killed me?"" He bashfully replies "" I'm so sorry, i didn't realise you were there. I'm an endangered species and I've never had a girlfriend let alone had sex"" ""Well"" says the hippo "" Our species are very similar you could shag me"" ""Great"" says the rhino and climbs up her back. ""Forgive me"" he says "" I don't even know your name"" ""It's Elsie"" she replies ""and what's your name"" she asks ""It's Neil"" the rhino replies ""Oh"" says the hippo "" the other hippos won't believe me when I tell them I've just had sex with Rhino Neil"""

[arsene york-hunt]

"I went to a shop to buy a coat and saw a nice one marked faux fur. ""Why is it so expensive"" I asked He said: ""Have you ever tried getting the fur off a faux?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Just got a Katie Price advent calendar.I'm a bit disappointed, the flaps are already open"

[Noah]

"A husband and wife own a sex shop. They go in to work one Monday and as the husband is reading the post realises they have a couple bills due that day. He tells his wife and she says: ""Monday's are usually slow. Go pay the bills and just head home for the day. I'll run the store if you make dinner for tonight.""ù The husband leaves and a little while later, a lady comes in and says, ""I'm looking for a dildo; about six inches long and purple with polka dots.""ù The owner looks on the shelves and says, ""We have what you need right here. That'll be ¬£35.""ù The woman pays and leaves. A little while later, another woman comes into the store. She says, ""I'm looking for a vibrator eight inches long, red white and blue with little knobs.""ù The owner looks on the shelves and says, ""We have what you need right here. That'll be ¬£45. The woman pays and leaves. It's just about time to close the shop when another woman comes in and says, ""I'm looking for something really wild to add to my collection. I'm looking for a big dildo; about 15 inches long in tartan and maybe even a handle. The owner again looks on the shelves but sees nothing. She says, ""I think that's going to be a special order.""ù As she reached for the order forms, she says, Wait! I've got what you need right here. That'll be ¬£300.""ù The customer pays and leaves. She closes the shop, goes home, and her husband greets her asking, How was your day?""ù The wife says, ""Well, I sold one dildo for ¬£35, one for ¬£45, and you'll never guess how much I got for your thermos flask!""ù"

[Manuel]

Aalborg - Your 'jokes' are absolutely shocking.

[Noah]

"The Pope falls desperately ill and is hospitalised. The doctors can't diagnose the problem, so they call in a world-famous specialist. After a careful examination, the specialist informs the Pope that the physical and mental pressures caused by his lifelong celibacy have finally taken their toll. Unless the Pope has sexual intercourse with a woman in the next few days, he will die. The Pope is horrified, and makes it clear that he would rather die than betray his vows. But the Cardinals and Nuncios and all the prelates in the Vatican plead with him to reconsider. The Church desperately needs his able leadership, and surely God can forgive any sin. . . And the Pope finally relents ""î but he says that he has four conditions before he will consent to the act. ""First,""ù he says, ""the woman must be blind, so that she cannot see who it is that she is having relations with.""ù The Cardinals agree. This doesn't seem too difficult. ""Second,""ù he says, ""she must be deaf ""î so that even if I should cry out in my passion, she will not be able to recognise my voice.""ù The Cardinals agree. It seems reasonable. ""Third,""ù he says, ""she must be mute, so that even if she does discover my identity, she can never tell anyone.""ù The Cardinals agree. A sensible precaution! ""And fourth,""ù says the Pope, ""she's gotta have really big tits. . .""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Fella goes into a pub and orders a pint. The landlord starts pouring it out and says ""Don't normally see you in here"" ""No"" says the fella ""62 today"" ""Congratulations"" says the landlord""Let me buy you a drink"" So the two of them are having a scotch and the landlord says ""Are you coming in here tomorrow?"" ""No"" says the fella "" 2 to 10 tomorrow"""

[Queens Fish Bar]

David Cameron as Foreign Secretary. Esther McVey Minister for wokery. PMSL

[Aalborg Hammer]

I think my local mosque has got a bouncy castle in it 'cos there's always a row of sandals outside

[Mr Anon]

"When for a job at a Blacksmith's the other day, he asked me if I've ever shoed a horse, I said no but I've told a duck to fuck off."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"spaghetti hoops - alphabeti spaghetti for the dyslexic. Dog, I love this inclusive society, me."

[Nobody]

THE joke threads (part 5) The joke is on Nobody... Nobody laughed... Nobody lived to laugh either...

[Aalborg Hammer]

"About a month before my grandfather died we started covering his back with lard.After that,he went downhill very quickly."

[Noah]

"A cowboy rides into a Western town and finds it deserted. He hitches his horse to the rail outside the saloon and goes in. The barman is polishing glasses behind the bar. ""Hi""ù says the cowboy ""mighty quiet in town""ù ""Yup""ù says the barman ""Everybody's at the hanging""ù ""The hanging?""ù says the cowboy ""Who they hanging?""ù ""They're hanging Brown Paper Pete""ù Said the barman ""Oh, why do you call him that?""ù ""Well""ù Said the barman, ""His shirt is made of brown paper, this chaps are made of brown paper, and his favourite hat is made of brown paper""ù ""I see!""ù Said the cowboy ""What are they hanging him for?""ù ""¶ ""Rustling""ù"

[lab]

"Two dyslexics about to descend down a mountain, one asks ..do we zig zag or zag zig down the mountain ? The other isn't sure . Just then they see a bloke pulling a sledge and about to set off . Excuse me ..do we zig zag or zag zig down the mountain ? ""¶.Don't ask me I'm just a tobogganist ""¶..oh that's handy we' ll have two packets of Benson and Hedges ."

[arsene york-hunt]

"Irish builder goes to a doctor complaining of constipation. The doctor decides on a PR examination after which he asks the builder if he has any tools. The builder goes to his van and brings back a pick. The doctor bends him over a table and gives one strike of the pick in the gluteal cleft. Formed and unformed malodourous faeces comes pouring out and onto the floor. ""In future don't wipe your arse with the cement bags"" Said the Doctor"

[Helmut Shown]

"Two blokes working in a morgue. One says to the other ""That woman they just brought in has a prawn hanging out of her vagina""ù The other one says ""Don't be a prat, that's her clitoris""ù The first bloke replies ""Well it sure tastes like a prawn""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: ""That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."" ""That's just simple thievery,"" the Irishman replied. ""I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."" The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: ""Sir, I want to show you a magic trick."" The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: ""Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"" The Irishman then said: ""Look in the English fella's pockets."""

[joyo]

Why are Oxbore's dentures like the moon? Because they come out at night

[arsene york-hunt]

"A man goes into a brothel and says he wants something really kinky. He is shown into a room with an ostrich, and spends the next twenty minutes struggling and eventually fucking it, He thanks the receptionist and says he'll be back next week. The following week he is told they were very busy and was asked to go in a waiting room, in which there was a two , way mirror, which had two lesbians using a strap on cock on each other. He says to the man next him ""This is good isn't it."" The man said: ""You should have been here last week, we had a bloke shagging an ostrich."""