THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[COOL HAND LUKE]

Bloke goes into the police station... "I want to report an incident - this morning, as I was walking my dog along by the railway, I rescued a woman off the tracks!"
Constable behind the desk says, "Wow, that's very public spirited of you." "Yes" says fella grins and winks "bit of alright she was too, I must say."

Constable smirks, "Well, I expect you got your 'reward' then Sir, eh?" "You bet" says the man, "between you and I, for the next hour I had some of the sex I've ever had!"
Constable leans in and whispers conspiratorially, "You lucky bastard, Sir, I bet you got a wonderful blow-job as well, didn't you?"

"Nah" says the man... "I couldn't find her head..." 
 

[Helmut Shown]

One is weasel faced the other is faecal waste??

[F 129 Row66]

What is the difference between David Lammy and shit?

Buggered if I know

[Helmut Shown]

I hear the Pope is lying face down in state in an open coffin. So that when Trump arrives he can kiss his ring

[Helmut Shown]

Q. What is t he difference between Donald Trump and a sack of shit

A. The sack

[F 129 Row66]

What's the difference between a Charles Dicken novel, and a book about a woman that sold her breasts for transplant.

One is the Tale of Two Cities
The other is The Sale of Two Titties

[F 129 Row66]

Night Manager at a country hotel sees a man go out with his fishing gear every morning and come back at night for five nights. 

He looks at the register and finds he is in the honeymoon suite.

On his return he asks the man why, since he's on honeymoon why isn't he staying with the wife and giving her one.

"Can't," he replied "She's got Gonorrhoea."

"Can't  you go in the back door?"

"No mate she has diarrhoea,"

"Well a blow job then."

"She's got pyorrhea."

"So why the fuck did you bring her."

"For the maggots."

[F 129 Row66]

What smells of fish, has two legs and flies?

Tight fitting ladies jeans

[F 129 Row66]

What's the difference between an alcoholic and a gay man?

An alcoholic likes bottoms up.........
 

[Helmut Shown]

What's the difference between an ice hockey tactician and an old man reminiscing?

The ice hockey tactician thinks of fast pucks
The old man thinks of ...........

[F 129 Row66]

Wot's the difference between a James Bond film and a Sullivan/Gold publication
The James Bond film is full of cunning stunts..............

[Helmut Shown]

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty pised off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was J.D. Vance’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

[Trilby55]

So it looks like Gene Hackman’s wife died a week before him . Surely he noticed the washing piling up ? 

[F 129 Row66]

Two Irishmen outside a wall of a nudist camp.
One says "Stand on my shoulders and see if you can get a look."
The bloke on the bottom says: "Can you see anything?"
The other said: " I can see a few people walking around."
"Are they men or women?"
The man on top replies: "I'll be focked if I know, they aint got no clothes on."

[Helmut Shown]

A soldier returns home from Oman. After a couple of days he gets a knock at the door. “Special delivery from the Sultan of Oman” the delivery bloke says and hands him some leather reins. He looks around the door opening and sees a camel on the ends of the reins. “What am I supposed to do with this?” He exclaims. The delivery bloke gives him a card and it says “In recognition of your services to the Sultan” He knows that to send it back would be regarded as a great insult, so he decides to ride the camel to work. He gets halfway there and gets stopped by the police. He tells them how he came to be riding a camel to work. The officious policeman says “I’d better take some details, what is the animal?” The soldier says “I believe it’s a dromedary” “And what sex is it?” Asks the copper. “Oh It’s female” he replies.
”You seem very sure” the copper says “how can you tell?” The soldier smiles and says “ when I was coming up the high street somebody shouted look at the cսnt on that camel”

[Bungo]

Complete genius...

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a spy."
“Why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
I'm a shepherd spy."

[F 129 Row66]

What is the difference between sincere gratitude and a huge turd?

Sincere gratitude comes from the bottom of your heart................

[Aalborg Hammer]

My friend's sex change operation from a male to female went really well yesterday. In fact,it was so successful,he's still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park

[F 129 Row66]

Man goes to a Doctor and says "Doctor I get a sharp pain when I lift my arm above my head."

Doctor says: "Well don't do it."

[Aalborg Hammer]

The Pope wakes up in hospital and asks if he was in heaven "No, we're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward"

[Helmut Shown]

An African chief comes to London to discuss mining rights with the British government. They put him and his entourage in the Ritz. He wakes up the next day and asks one of his wives:
"Woman fetch me water"
She returns with a jug of water and he drinks it. The next day, once again, he says:
 "Woman fetch me water"
She goes away and brings back a jug of water and he drinks it.
He awakens the next day and once again he says:
 "Woman fetch me water"
This time she goes away and comes back empty handed. He says to her:
 " I asked you to bring me water and you have disobeyed me, why should I not beat you for your disobedience "
She replies " I am so sorry I couldn't get the water as the white man is sitting on the well"

[F 129 Row66]

An inspector goes into a bakery.
Sees a bloke making pies.
He takes out his false teeth and starts crimping the pastry.
The inspector says: "Haven't you got a tool for that?"
The bloke replies: "No, I used that for putting the holes in the ring doughnuts."

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

Holly Willoughby, Philip Schofield and Gino de Campo are walking over a bridge.
Holly trips, and gets her head stuck between the railings.
Without thinking twice, Gino pulls her knickers to one side and fucks her senseless.
After he's done, he turns to Schofield and says "Your turn Pip".
Hearing this, Schofield busts into uncontrollable tears.
"What's wrong?", asks de Campo.
Schofield, between sobs replies "my head won't fit between the railings".

[F 129 Row66]

What's the difference between a romantic novel and the new spurs stadium?

One is full of Cupid's stunts.........................

[Helmut Shown]

Two blokes walking down a road and they see a dog licking his bollocks. The first man says "I wish I could do that". The other replies "do you want me to hold the dog down while you do it?"